I seem to have been assessing myself a lot this semester. I discover new things about myself every day, through the people I interact with, and the things that I do. This itself isn’t uncommon, but the frequency at which this is happening is a bit alarming. Why has this semester been so revelational?
I think it has something to do with the fact that I’m moving to California. My guess is that I’m feeling a compelling need to gain a fully comprehensible sense of identity before I move. I want to know who I am before stepping foot in a new society so that I can stay true to myself.
The weird thing is that for every step forward I take, I feel like I’m taking two steps back. For every question that I answer about myself, several more spring up. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it’s making me very unsure of whether or not I’ll have myself all figured out by the time I have to move.
I am a completely different person than I was a few months ago. This became really apparent after I couldn’t figure out how I wanted to express myself in certain social situations. I used to know exactly how I wanted people to perceive me, but now I’m finding that as I’m changing, I’m unsure of how I want to act. It makes me feel like I’m coming off as a bit awkward at times, but that’s the price I pay for trying to figure myself out.
I just hope that by the end of all this, people will still be able to accept me, regardless of who that turns out to be.
This is a little incoherent, but I’m not really in the mood to edit right now, so I won’t =]
Stay classy.
Interesting...a relapse.
ReplyDeleteYou know I'm kidding yes? The thing to note here is that you're the kind of person who is aware of this constant change. Though you may want to consider a popularized theme in scientific discovery -- the more we know about the universe, the more we realize we don't know. This sort of relationship between the microscopic and macroscopic probably shows up similarly in accounting, though I'm not sure.
What I find so confusing is the importance you seem to place on your image in society. Regardless of the traits you express (both voluntarily and involuntarily) there will be haters, and there will be people to appreciate you. Wouldn't you prefer to be liked for exactly who you are rather than who you are pretending to be? It requires less thought and stress to say the least. :p
Regardless of who you are in the end, you will have lost old friends and gained new ones. This is something which I expect you know already, given that you're Buddha-curious. XD
I'm putting importance on understanding myself rather than how I'm viewed in society. In the end I'm confident that there will be people who will appreciate regardless of who I am, but the precursor to that is figuring out who that is.
ReplyDeleteI'm on a personal journey to figure out who I am, or rather, who I want to be. I'm not really concerned with what society thinks, I just want to figure it out for myself.
Does that make sense?
We will never have ourselves completely figured out. We will be 99 and still learning new things about ourselves. We are always changing and phasing things in and out of our lives.
ReplyDeleteOh, I completely agree with you Des. But even though I wrote this post a few months ago, I still can't make up my mind about how I want to portray myself. I've been swapping between a few different personalities recently, and I just don't know which one is "me" or even how to mesh them all together.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I just worry that people will think I'm changing too frequently and will judge me for it. It's just a tad bit frustrating, ya know?