Classy, I like that: Worries

Anonymous (11:33:44 PM): matthew
Matty P (11:33:50 PM): heya
Anonymous (11:33:57 PM): whats up
Anonymous (11:34:00 PM): read your facebook status
Matty P (11:34:52 PM): have something to say?
Anonymous (11:35:06 PM): and i was just ranting to someone how i never have deep convos with anyone and it makes me feel incredibly lonely
Matty P (11:35:27 PM): well why would the lack of such a conversation make you feel lonely?
Matty P (11:35:28 PM): see, to me
Matty P (11:35:38 PM): it just feels like I'm becomming out of tune with myself
Matty P (11:35:45 PM): like I'm missing something
Anonymous (11:35:52 PM): like i guess i kind of feel that
Matty P (11:36:06 PM): but what is missing isnt the attention of someone else
Matty P (11:36:10 PM): its just something inside me
Anonymous (11:36:10 PM): its like i miss having an intense moment with someone while engaging in said conversation
Matty P (11:36:21 PM): something that hasn't been manifested in a while and needs air to breathe
Matty P (11:36:32 PM): yea, i get what you mean totally right now
Anonymous (11:36:40 PM): yeah
Matty P (11:38:12 PM): like, i've been watching these video logs that this guy named Ian Crossland has been posting on youtube
Matty P (11:38:24 PM): and he's this guy who just questions everythinga
Matty P (11:38:36 PM): and he's infatuated with humanity as a whole
Matty P (11:38:58 PM): and he just points out these little things that even though you think about them
Matty P (11:39:03 PM): you just never admit to them
Matty P (11:39:07 PM): and I just asked myself
Anonymous (11:39:09 PM): that sounds really interesting
Matty P (11:39:29 PM): like fuck, he's absolutely right, and even though I already knew it, I'd never come out and say it
Matty P (11:39:36 PM): and he's got the guts to say it
Matty P (11:39:46 PM): and i feel like most people would call him just a stoner
Matty P (11:39:52 PM): and even though he does smoke weed
Matty P (11:40:01 PM): he's aware he doesnt need it
Matty P (11:40:06 PM): he's just like
Matty P (11:40:12 PM): cognizant of all this shit around him
Matty P (11:40:26 PM): and his thought process is just
Matty P (11:40:30 PM): great
Matty P (11:40:31 PM): and idk
Matty P (11:40:42 PM): after watching his vids, I just started thinking
Matty P (11:40:49 PM): and I feel like im on the verge of something big
Matty P (11:40:55 PM): like a huge self discovery
Matty P (11:41:08 PM): it's like I'm aware that my own evolution is about to take place
Matty P (11:41:16 PM): but i realized that it won't unless i act on it
Matty P (11:41:31 PM): and that's where the desire to have a deep convo manifests from
Matty P (11:41:33 PM): shit
Matty P (11:41:50 PM): i am into this right now
Anonymous (11:41:51 PM): that explanation in itself is extemley deep lol
Anonymous (11:41:57 PM): llmao yeah u def. are
Matty P (11:41:59 PM): i'm telling ya
Matty P (11:42:05 PM): its just
Matty P (11:42:06 PM): wow
Matty P (11:42:10 PM): i can feel it
Anonymous (11:42:18 PM): that must be such a profound feeling
Anonymous (11:42:24 PM): to feel aware of yourself but not at the same time
Anonymous (11:42:33 PM): itss like
Anonymous (11:42:43 PM): u no who you are as a person right at this very moment
Anonymous (11:42:50 PM): but you know just around the corner
Anonymous (11:42:52 PM): your essence
Anonymous (11:42:54 PM): will
Anonymous (11:42:55 PM): change
Anonymous (11:43:00 PM): am i totally off
Anonymous (11:43:03 PM): cuz im kinda stoned
Matty P (11:43:08 PM): no, you're exactly right
Matty P (11:43:11 PM): but the thing is
Matty P (11:43:19 PM): i dont know what kind of evolution this is going to be
Anonymous (11:43:25 PM): positive
Matty P (11:43:35 PM): is it going to be self assuring, or self decaying
Matty P (11:43:47 PM): i cant tell for sure if it'll be positive or negative
Matty P (11:43:53 PM): but i still desire the change so much
Matty P (11:44:03 PM): like the change itself is a necessity to grow
Matty P (11:44:09 PM): even if overall i take a negative turn
Anonymous (11:44:59 PM): like for all we know life is just a series of really intesne changes in us.
Matty P (11:45:37 PM): have you ever thought that that might be all our emotions are? Just change
Matty P (11:45:57 PM): like love, that emotion could be drawn up just from the simple fact that something in our lives changed
Matty P (11:46:06 PM): not because of feelings directed towards an individual
Matty P (11:46:22 PM): but because we enjoyed a change in our lifestyle so much, that we fell in love
Matty P (11:46:31 PM): same goes for anger
Anonymous (11:46:35 PM): and heartbreak
Matty P (11:46:38 PM): yea
Matty P (11:47:15 PM): if you break up, its not the fact that that person meant something to you, you could feel horrible just because your life changed for the worse
Anonymous (11:47:48 PM): well if thats the case that would certainly make me feel better seeing as how i just went through a huge breakup/betrayal
Anonymous (11:48:02 PM): and i just kept crying and saying "i dont know what to do with out you or where to go"
Anonymous (11:48:17 PM): cuz i was experencing such a life shattering change when my emotional support of 4 years walked out of my life
Anonymous (11:48:18 PM): you know
Matty P (11:48:23 PM): yea
Anonymous (11:48:28 PM): i all of a sudden started feeling this instense love for him
Anonymous (11:48:30 PM): but maybe it wasnt that
Anonymous (11:48:33 PM): i love him
Matty P (11:48:36 PM): so then the question is, what is it about change that makes it so important to us
Anonymous (11:48:58 PM): why do we expereince such ups and downs and hardship and questioning
Anonymous (11:49:01 PM): when change occurs
Matty P (11:49:22 PM): shit
Anonymous (11:49:52 PM): i know
Matty P (11:50:01 PM): why is change so influential on us
Matty P (11:50:46 PM): but if change were so important for our daily lives
Anonymous (11:50:47 PM): thats something i think ive been asking subconsiously for so long
Matty P (11:50:54 PM): like, lets go back to the love subject
Anonymous (11:50:57 PM): okay
Matty P (11:51:05 PM): some people fall in love, but they still cheat, right
Anonymous (11:51:08 PM): right
Matty P (11:51:43 PM): it could be because their initial change in lifestyle wasn't significant enough to keep them faithful enough to their initial change, so they desired and sought out additional change
Matty P (11:52:11 PM): but then why do some people feel guilty when they cheat?
Anonymous (11:52:30 PM): because they know the social consequences
Matty P (11:52:53 PM): they anticipate the changes that will occur in the future....
Matty P (11:52:57 PM): that could be it
Anonymous (11:53:05 PM): which they know will disrupt their emotions
Matty P (11:53:40 PM): or it could also be that they still feel obligations towards the initial change since they made them so happy at first, and the change itself becomes sortof an individual
Matty P (11:54:08 PM): the actual people of the story become irrelevant, the change becomes embodied, and is the individual
Anonymous (11:54:16 PM): wow
Matty P (11:55:25 PM): I dont know how i feel about this
Anonymous (11:55:28 PM): me either
Matty P (11:55:28 PM): i feel nervous
Matty P (11:55:36 PM): not afraid, but nervous
Matty P (11:56:02 PM): like I'm nervous to learn what other people would think of this
Matty P (11:56:15 PM): if they noticed something about the human condition that I vastly overlooked
Matty P (11:56:32 PM): I'm so wound up in this right now that I could be dismissing something huge
Matty P (11:56:37 PM): maybe I am afraid of that?
Anonymous (11:56:46 PM): cuz its a change in your thought process?
Matty P (11:56:48 PM): like what if I'm missing the key to the whole argument
Matty P (11:56:57 PM): what if it's not change at all
Matty P (11:57:12 PM): what if there's an argument that exists that completely dismisses mine?
Matty P (11:57:32 PM): in that case I haven't stepped forward without stepping backwards as well
Matty P (11:57:38 PM): does that make everything meaningless?
Anonymous (11:57:43 PM): well no i dont think so
Anonymous (11:58:01 PM): i think you can argue that progress can not be obtained with moving back a little first
Anonymous (11:58:06 PM): you need to think
Anonymous (11:58:11 PM): positive
Anonymous (11:58:28 PM): ugh that sounded way too cliche and did not come out how wanted it to
Matty P (11:58:47 PM): I think i want to discard the notions of positive, negative and neutral
Matty P (11:58:51 PM): what if those didn't exist
Anonymous (11:58:54 PM): like you just havve to believe in the good of the universe that your not failing and life isnt meaningless
Matty P (11:59:00 PM): it's all relative anyways
Anonymous (11:59:03 PM): okay
Anonymous (11:59:11 PM): maybe we can keep instead meaning and no meaning
Matty P (11:59:16 PM): some people consider some things to be good, while others would think it was bad
Matty P (12:00:05 AM): Maybe I am afraid of this evolution
Matty P (12:00:13 AM): but why have my feelings changed already
Matty P (12:00:21 AM): before i was optimistic, now im nervous about it
Matty P (12:00:27 AM): i dont know how this will end anymore
Matty P (12:00:34 AM): actually, i never did know
Anonymous (12:00:37 AM): how what will exactly
Anonymous (12:00:38 AM): your life?
Matty P (12:00:44 AM): i just assumed i knew the outcome ahead of time
Matty P (12:01:03 AM): me as an individual
Matty P (12:01:05 AM): the way I think
Anonymous (12:01:09 AM): ok got you
Anonymous (12:01:23 AM): does it come back to
Anonymous (12:01:34 AM): your afraid of this, lets call it "change"
Anonymous (12:02:39 AM): will change you to "good" or "bad". are you still subconsiously afraid of social consequences and repercussions. or is it that deep down weve all been taught being a "good person" or "bad person" and your just nervous that you wont turn into a person either you your family or the world will like
Matty P (12:03:25 AM): well, the social consequences themselves are future changes
Matty P (12:03:32 AM): it wouldnt be the repercussions themselves
Matty P (12:03:35 AM): just the changes
Matty P (12:03:40 AM): but then i also just thought
Matty P (12:04:19 AM): whether or not the changes are good or bad are also relative to the individual
Anonymous (12:04:26 AM): explain
Matty P (12:04:28 AM): like
Matty P (12:04:47 AM): we look forward to getting into relationships because its a change for the better right?
Anonymous (12:05:29 AM): rightg
Anonymous (12:05:32 AM): -right
Matty P (12:05:42 AM): well, who decides that it actually is a change for the better?
Matty P (12:05:44 AM): We do.
Matty P (12:05:58 AM): so that makes it relative
Matty P (12:06:33 AM): but then how do we come up with the notions of good and bad in the first place? It has to come from societal norms and biological predispositions
Anonymous (12:06:44 AM): or government and religon
Anonymous (12:06:50 AM): defining it for us
Matty P (12:06:53 AM): i think that all falls under society
Anonymous (12:06:58 AM): yes
Matty P (12:07:06 AM): the gov and religion are just manifestations of society
Anonymous (12:07:25 AM): i feel society plays an extremly influential role in this
Matty P (12:07:42 AM): yea, because the biological predispositions are
Matty P (12:07:43 AM): well
Matty P (12:07:52 AM): I feel like humans are naturally inclined to do good
Anonymous (12:07:56 AM): me too
Matty P (12:08:07 AM): it's just philosophical, and there's evidence both for and against that notion
Matty P (12:08:24 AM): but I feel like the evidence for that argument outweighs the evidence against it
Matty P (12:08:31 AM): so then yea, societal norms
Matty P (12:08:49 AM): where did society get their views from?
Matty P (12:08:55 AM): it had to stem from somewhere
Matty P (12:09:12 AM): maybe it stemmed from the nature aspect
Matty P (12:09:15 AM): i mean
Matty P (12:09:29 AM): why was the gov initially created?
Matty P (12:09:37 AM): to benefit society
Matty P (12:09:44 AM): why was religion created?
Matty P (12:09:52 AM): to comfort society
Matty P (12:10:06 AM): everything was created out of the need to do good to others
Matty P (12:10:19 AM): and i suppose over time it just warped
Matty P (12:10:28 AM): and that's why we have corrupt governments today
Matty P (12:10:34 AM): and fanatical religions
Matty P (12:10:46 AM): but then that makes for an extremely dangerous situation
Matty P (12:11:01 AM): because even though these institutions were founded with benevolent intentions
Matty P (12:11:20 AM): over time the institutions themselves became organic and slowly changed
Matty P (12:11:24 AM): and in some cases for the worst
Matty P (12:11:28 AM): worse*
Matty P (12:11:29 AM): but
Matty P (12:11:47 AM): we still base our notions of good and bad off of what these institutions decide
Matty P (12:11:52 AM): because they are the social norm
Matty P (12:12:05 AM): fuck
Matty P (12:12:09 AM): its like we're all sheep
Matty P (12:12:22 AM): almost helpless to help ourselves
Matty P (12:12:27 AM): and nobody realizes it
Anonymous (12:12:46 AM): i learned in chemistry that "nature is lazy and disorganized". nature tends to be chaotic
Anonymous (12:12:52 AM): but is that true for humans?
Anonymous (12:12:57 AM): is it this sense of fear of chaos
Anonymous (12:13:03 AM): that causes these institutions to be created?
Matty P (12:13:26 AM): where is there fear of chaos
Anonymous (12:13:34 AM): maybe its man vs nature
Anonymous (12:13:35 AM): haha jk
Anonymous (12:13:42 AM): like nature is chaotic
Anonymous (12:13:44 AM): so we in turn
Anonymous (12:13:53 AM): having to learn to survive in nature
Anonymous (12:14:01 AM): are fearful of its chaos?
Anonymous (12:14:02 AM): idk
Matty P (12:14:16 AM): hmm
Matty P (12:14:44 AM): I have a thought
Matty P (12:14:50 AM): but I cant seem to give it birth
Anonymous (12:14:57 AM): just give it a sec
Matty P (12:14:58 AM): I dont think im ready
Anonymous (12:15:06 AM): to admit your thought
Anonymous (12:15:07 AM): ?
Matty P (12:15:09 AM): yea
Anonymous (12:15:22 AM): saying isnt necessarily admitting
Matty P (12:15:33 AM): I'm not ready to say it either
Matty P (12:15:36 AM): I dont know how yet
Matty P (12:15:42 AM): I just know it's there
Anonymous (12:16:09 AM): i kinda see what your saying
Matty P (12:16:21 AM): I think I need to sleep on this
Anonymous (12:16:27 AM): alright
Matty P (12:16:34 AM): do you mind if I posted this?
Anonymous (12:16:38 AM): on what
Matty P (12:16:45 AM): on either facebook or my blog
Matty P (12:16:48 AM): people need to see this

I had a conversation with a friend tonight, and I thought I should share it with all of you. I'd really appreciate it if you took the time to read the whole thing and share your thoughts with me.

I feel like I'm on the verge of something big, something within myself, and I needed to get this out in the open. Expect a regular blog post soon.

Classy, I like that

19 August 2009

Worries

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