Okay, so if you read my last post or my facebook, you'll see a conversation that I had with a friend of mine. In that conversation I mentioned a person named Ian Crossland, who makes videos on youtube. After watching some of his videos, I got into a really deep mood and that's what initially sparked the conversation in the previous post.
If you haven't done so already, I would recommend watching some of Ian's videos on youtube. I don't have any specific videos that stand out, I would merely just suggest going to his channel and finding videos on topics that might be of interest to you.
http://www.youtube.com/user/IanCrossland?feature=chclk#play/uploads/325/0G6C7eF_re4
Now I need to point out that I don't agree with everything that Ian says. In fact, I find that a lot of the things he talks about are disagreeable, or things that I already knew. However, what made his videos impact me so much, was seeing him think. In his videos, you can see how his mind works because he exposes himself when he speaks.
You see, normally when we think, we do it all in our heads. We don't speak outwardly of exactly what is going through our heads or the emotions that we are feeling at that exact moment; but Ian does, and that's what got me thinking. If you look back to my conversation, you might be able to tell at some points that I was trying to express myself in the same way as Ian - and it was helping me onto a plane of thought that I usually don't get to, and not only was it gratifying, it was frightening.
From now on, I'm going to try and do this whenever I'm writing a blog entry.
Now, onto what I actually wanted to talk to you all about. I've been having this one particular thought for some time now, but I've been hesitant to write about it, and that's because this thought terrifies me. I feel like if I manifest this thought, it could change me forever, and I can't say for sure if it'll be for better or worse. I have purposely been avoiding it because of this. At this very moment, I still don't want to dive into what I'm about to, I don't think I'm ready, but from what I've learned from Ian Crossland so far, I'm going to do this anyway.
Okay, many people that know me know that I don't like sheep. I don't like mindless followers. I think that they are the cause of so many of our world's problems. Think about it. Think of powerful leaders throughout history and how they've been able to rally people to their cause. Think of Hitler. I believe that the cause for the holocaust wasn't necessarily because of Hitler himself, but because of the people who followed him. His followers were sheep - mindless drones who would march to the beat of anyone more intelligent than themselves. There's no doubt about it that Hitler was an immensely intelligent man, but what if every one of the people who followed him were just as intelligent as he was? Would they have just dismissed what he said as gibberish? They probably would not be so inclined to ever follow him, let alone give him a voice in the first place.
It's because of this that I don't like sheep. They are destructive beyond my own comprehension, and I vehemently refuse to become one of them. I always try to be a leader to avoid being a sheep. I always try to choose the path that will keep me away from puppet strings.
But here's the problem: I think that I am possibly a hypocrite. I think I could be one of them, and it terrifies me. Sure, I am a leader on some level, but there are more intelligent people than me out there, and I am prone to follow them. I'll give Obama as an example: there's no doubt he's a very intelligent man, and I have put my trust in him to guide this country; the problem however, is that I don't know much about politics at all, so I don't have my own opinion to begin with. I am essentially trusting a man on subject matters that I don't know anything about. In my opinion, that is the same thing as signing a contract that you did not read. Why do I trust this man? Because he knows more about a particular subject than I do, and that effectively makes me a sheep.
Another example: when I was in Italy during the month of July, for certain occasions we had to attend, I didn't know what to wear, so I asked my roommates what they were going to wear, and then I would dress up accordingly, so that nobody was over or underdressed. The problem is that I let my roommates make the decisions for me. I effectively discarded my choice, and chose to follow. If I had told them first what I was planning on wearing and then asked them what they thought, that would have been different, but I didn't. I never gave my own input, I merely followed.
This absolutely terrifies me. In school I enjoy working in groups to get the job done, but a lot of the time I don't feel inclined to offer my help to particular tasks. I think in my head "I should volunteer to help with this particular part of the assignment" but I don't. I wait. I wait for someone else to volunteer. I still do my assigned work, but to a degree, I coast off the other members of the group.
Now I know I'm opinionated, and I won't believe everything I'm told, but how far does that go? At what point do I start to follow others? When do I decide that I would be better off letting someone else make a decision for me?
Saying all of this isn't making me feel better at all. I'm getting it out in the open, but I don't have an answer. I don't have a follow up thought. I could say that instead of following, I just work better when there are others to help me with the duties at hand, which wouldn't necessarily make me a sheep - but I feel like that's an excuse. A lie.
The problem for me here isn't how I can admit to something and then change myself. The problem is that I feel like I've been a hypocrite for so long, and it disgusts me to know myself to be something like that. I've always held a high opinion of myself, but part of me feels like that was all a facade, a cover to protect myself from what I really am. I know some people will tell me that there's no point in dwelling on this, and that I should just move on and change myself if I really feel like I've been fucked up for so long, but I don't agree. There is a point to dwelling on things. Why should I just forget about my unattractive past? That would just be another facade for my future self - a part of my past that I can't admit to - a shield that I created to protect myself. Why should I have to protect myself from myself? By dwelling on this undesirable past, maybe I can come to terms with it. I can accept it as part of the learning process. I can admit that it was something I didn't like about myself... but I'm afraid. I'm afraid of others who would judge me because of my past.
Just because you could be a reformed child molester doesn't mean that someone won't stare at you with fearful eyes.
I am afraid I may have permanently scarred myself because of my past tendencies. I am afraid that people won't accept me. I have come to terms with something else about me, and that's being shallow, and even though I don't like it about myself, and I've come to terms with it, people still look/think of me differently because of it. That depresses me. It makes me nervous whenever it comes up in a conversation. I don't know if I will be accepted or not. It's all because people are judgmental. I try not to judge as much as possible, I know it's wrong, but I know there will always be people who judge. I can't even just not care what judgmental people think - I still want people to like me, and so being judged becomes necessary.
I know that most people probably would not judge me on this whole "being a sheep" matter, but that doesn't matter since I'm judging myself. In this case, I don't even like myself, and that's what I was afraid to admit. I don't know how I should figure this out. Should I realize that people shouldn't judge, and that includes me judging myself? Or should I convince myself that I am a better person? There's a fine line there and I don't know which side to step on.
My head is fried, and to a degree I feel broken now. I need to have another deep conversation. I need to make more friends and see what strangers think of me.
What about yourself are you terrified of?
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