Okay, so you guys want to know what one of my dreams is?
This:
Yup.
Okay, I guess I should elaborate. I have created a list of things that are appealing to me in this picture:
1) The lovely lady in the photograph is a redhead. Anyone who knows me personally knows that I've got a thing for the crimson locks. So automatically, this picture appeals to me. The fact that her hair is one of my favorite colors is not the only thing that appeals to me however...
2) She is a fan of football. This is a definite upside to me. I find that being able to enjoy some kind of similar interest is very desirable. It just creates a strong sense of compatibility, which is refreshing.
3) She is a fan of football, but more importantly, she is NOT a fan of the New England Patriots. Okay, this is huge for me. Now, not only does she share a similar interest in the first place, but she also has the same viewpoint as me, in that she roots against my team's biggest rival. Now I can't say for sure that she's a Jets fan like myself, but the possibility is there, and cannot be ignored.
Okay, so I know you're asking yourself, what is the point of this post? Well, I'm not putting this up just because I'm in a different mood than usual - this still pertains to the way I think. I'll explain.
A few weeks ago, I found myself pondering on what it would be like to share an intimate moment after some kind of victorious event, "Victory Sex," if you will. Picture the following scenario: you are watching a sporting event with a significant other who is as enthusiastic as you are, shares your fandom of a particular team, and upon said team's triumph over their opponent, the two of you share a moment of intimacy to celebrate.
I can't really fathom what that's like, but I'm sure it would be amazing. It doesn't even have to be sports. You could celebrate with sex after surmounting any kind of personal obstacle. What's important is that feeling of triumph, to me it seems like it would seem very euphoric, and so, it has become a personal goal of mine to engage in victory sex at least once in my life.
So the real question is, why is this so appealing to me? Why do I have such a burning desire to achieve this goal? I think it lies in my inability to comprehend what the event would be like. I have never experienced it firsthand, so I can only leave it up to my imagination, which can only go so far. My imagination cannot fabricate the senses of touch, taste, smell, etc. So really, what I'm left with is this nagging feeling that I need to go out and complete a task, otherwise I'll go on living my life with this incessant thought picking away at my brain, until my curiosity gets the better of me - which it will.
The unknown is just begging to be traversed, and I'm not one to let adventure pass me by. This mystery will be unraveled, and every other mystery that I come across. I don't enjoy leaving loose ends all over the place, and so I'm going to do everything in my power to fulfill every desire that wells up inside me during my lifetime. I mean hey, if I don't, then I'm not really living my life to the fullest, now am I?
Over the weekend, I visited my brother's house. The people who lived in the house prior to my brother wrote all manner of sayings and quotes in his bathroom. On the ceiling were the following words:
Live the life of a legend.
How inspirational. I can't think of a better thing to be on your mind when you're relieving yourself. Just think, as soon as you're finished with your business, you are going to leave your bathroom and seek apotheosis. Glory is yours, all you need to do is seek it. Live your life, the life of a legend.
So now it's question time,
What is one of your personal goals?
It has to be attainable, and not typical like "I want to be successful" or "I want to get married". I want a goal that feels more... real. If you read this post, you should have an idea of what I mean. Go now, my wayward travelers, and seek out that which is your life.
Okay, I want to offer everyone a little advice: People have no idea what they're talking about.
I'm sorry, it's true. Sure, when people give you advice, you can actively interpret it and use it to your advantage, but that isn't always the case. One time in particular sticks out in my head, where I knew this kid who would give me advice when it came to working out. I used to gobble up everything he told me, because I had no clue what I was doing at the time. Only after doing my own research for months did I realize that he actually had no clue what he was talking about.
So there I was, a very influential young man, mindlessly taking in every piece of information that everyone gave me. I'd like to think I was opinionated, but truth be told, I probably wasn't. Even in the media, of all the propaganda that saturates the press, I never questioned any of it. You see, that's where the problem lies. We need to question all the information that people feed us, otherwise we're nothing but mindless drones. Do your own independent research, and when someone contradicts you, don't back down and believe them simply because they made a good point, tell them that you'll get back to them, and go do more research to see if they're right.
I don't know why I'm in the mood I'm in right now to be honest. I guess I'm just upset that I just realized how un-opinionated I used to be. I know now in my life that there's some people who I hang out with that I simply cannot take any piece of advice they give me with any conviction. This is not to say that they aren't good friends of mine or I look down on them in any way - I just know from experience that their beliefs do not coincide with my own, and I should just take whatever they tell me with a grain of salt. This goes for everything from religious beliefs all the way down to tastes in movies and music. There are just some people in the world who aren't on the same page as you.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want you to be objective. Question things. Don't believe every bit of advice that is given to you. Formulate your own opinions!
This is all scrambled and I can't tell if it's a rant or not, so that means I'm done.
How often do you come up with your own opinions?
Think about that. When was the last time you had an opinion that wasn't the direct result of someone else's opinion?
What are you afraid of? It doesn't have to be death, or being alone, or things of that magnitude, and it doesn't have to be spiders, or snakes, or things of that nature.
Tell me what you are afraid of, something that really resonates with you. Don't know how to answer? Let me give you an example:
I am afraid to loose the ability to use my hands.
What do I mean by that? Well, I express myself through my hands a lot and to me, they are part of my character. I express creativity, excitement, and intimacy with my hands, and I can't imagine living without them.
I should specify that when I say that I'm afraid to loose the ability to use my hands, I don't necessarily mean that I'm afraid that one day I'll become disabled or paralyzed. I'm afraid of not being able to use them acutely. You see, as a bank teller, I've dealt with several hundred people a day, and over the years I've noticed that a lot of people are extremely clumsy with their hands. They fumble pens around, they can't unroll their cash/deposit slips, and they can't grab onto the receipts that I hand them. It's not only just really old people either - Whenever I've witnessed this, most of the time the people I'm dealing with are in the 30-50 range in terms of age.
I can't say for sure why these people have such difficulty using their hands, but if I had to venture a guess, it's probably because they've worked in construction or some other occupation which exposes one's hands to a lot of punishment.
I don't work in construction, nor do I plan to, so why am I scared? I'm not really sure to be honest, but I guess the possibility is always looming over me, and it scares me that someday I could be that 30-50 year old at the bank who can't fit his fingers around a pen. My hands have always been really soft, and I just can't seem to fathom what my life would be like if that were changed.
Sometimes it's the little things in life that you have to think about which make you really understand who you are. I do so love picking out the little things, and to me this is one of those things.
For those of you who don't believe me about The Protomen...
Here's an example of the quality of their sound:
Here's another:
I am not kidding any of you when I say that this band has obscene musical talent in terms of instrumental prowess and lyrical genius. I would show you a song that showcases just how epic these albums are, but that could only be appreciated if you listen to the albums in their entirety. These albums are ROCK OPERAS and should be treated as such, meaning that you should start at the beginning, and listen all the way through for the best effect.
I IMPLORE all of you to give their music a listen, and if you don't, you are doing yourselves a HORRIBLE disservice. Furthermore, if you call yourself a fan of Megaman and do not at least give The Protomen a chance, you are not a fan of Megaman at all in my eyes. I'm not saying you have to like it, I'm just saying you should do yourself a favor and open your eyes to the brilliance that is their music. The Protomen are so good in fact, that I am going so far as to consider their story canon for the entire series. To add to that, I'm actually going to go out and buy the physical copy of their albums even though I already downloaded their music, for the simple reason that they deserve every bit of my hard earned money.
If there were a scale from 1 to 10 that would illustrate the level of importance it is to listen to this music, it would be an automatic 10 for Megaman fans, and around an 8 for anyone else who has any interest in operas, plays, 80's esque music, or music in general. If you listened to the two sample songs I gave you, I'm sure you've realized that you can appreciate the music even if the theme is not in your particular tastes. Truth be told, their second album, Act II, doesn't require any back story whatsoever to understand, and could be treated as an original rock opera in and of itself, regardless of where it's inspirational themes are drawn from. Just listen to me when I say that I don't want to seem like I'm forcing them upon you, I merely want you to be as happy as I was when I heard these guys for the first time.
I know that people are usually hesitant to pick up on things that others are drastically enthusiastic about, I get that, I'm one of those people. A friend will come up to me and recommend a particular band/movie/book and ask me to give it a chance - I usually listen/watch/read , but the initial push they give me tends to be lacking in enough force to get me out of my cushion of laziness to go out and actually take their advice. Most of you know me well enough to know that if I go out of my way to make a post like this, it means I'm really passionate about something, and I wouldn't just be doing this for no reason. I hope my extreme bias isn't enough to deter you from investing some time in The Protomen.
What's more is that The Protomen are downright hilarious.
They are quoted as saying this about themselves:
The band does not break character for interviews, so the Protomen's own descriptions of their history are delivered with the dramatic flair of their storyline concept. According to members Murphy and Panther, the band met by accident in "the middle of the state of volunteers" and "delivered the fury from (their) instruments and an army was discovered."[5]
The band also maintains that they spend their days in a compound called the Thundercon "high atop a green hill overlooking the desolate undertakings of an unrelenting new pop-country shit-storm." Within the Thundercon, the walls are transcribed with the sacred tome which they are meant to spread to the masses.
As far as I'm concerned, these guys are made of pringles and gold.
If you do decide to heed my word, then I would highly, highly, HIGHLY recommend that you go to any lyric website, pull up the lyrics to each individual song, and read along as you listen. The albums were produced with back story that isn't actually sung during the songs, but those bits of story are present in the lyrics, and if you don't read along, you may miss some things and end up confused.
If you've come this far, why not check out their website as well? I swear these guys exhibit a level of passion that is borderline ludicrous.
P.S.
Start with their album: Act II: The Father of Death
And now, allow me to bombard you all with reviews to show you that I'm not crazy:
"The lyrics are lovingly-rendered poetry, balanced precipitously *just* over the top, without verging into melodrama. The singing varies the full range between sorrowful whispers (growl, in Dr. Light's case) and full-on hair-metal screaming ala Act 1, but at no point ceases to bring a smile of awed joy to my face."
"So there you have it. If Act 1 was a child-savant's nihilistic Megaman-oriented hair-metal seizure, Act 2 is a Bearded Man's Megaman-oriented whiskey-tinged lament; it's more experienced, it's more professional, it's all around a better album.
(This is the part where you buy it.) "
"The Protomen's sophomore entry into their Megaman-inspired Rock Opera is somewhat misleading in its title. Act II: The Father of Death is in fact Act 0-- a prequel to the story told in their self-titled first album, which is destined to be spoken of as Act I from here on out. But closer examination shows the truth in the title: rather than a forward evolution of the story told in Act I, Act II is the evolution of the band itself, and in that department it's a quantum leap.
Pretense aside, just about everything in Act II is a staggering improvement over Act I. The musicianship, writing, storytelling and the raw emotion poured into it exceeds their first effort, which in and of itself was of a far better quality than a video game rock opera has any right to be. Central to this seems to be the musical philosophy of the group itself. In comparison to other VG inspired groups like the Minibosses, Powerglove of the NESkimos, the Protomen do not bind themselves to the music of the games. Not that this would normally be a bad thing; the Megaman series has some of the best VG music this side of Sonic and Castlevania. In Act I, they instead took to sprinkling their songs with accents from the source material-- most notably in the track "The Will of One"--, using it sparingly in concert with their stellar original work to remind the listener just what they're hearing. In Act II, though, a more confident band eschews this approach, and in fact were it not for the supplemental material provided with the album's notes along with the knowledge of their fanbase, it would be easy for Act II to stand alone as a rock opera without its ties to the Megaman franchise.
And originality is key to the success of Act II. Act I could be seen as an amalagam of the first three Megaman games, detailing the creation of Protoman and Megaman, the latter's fight against Albert Wily's machine army that controls the world and the fateful confrontation of Megaman and his brainwashed and disillusioned brother. It's a stretch, but Act II goes even further: it's the story of Megaman's creator, Thomas Light-- how he sought to remake a kinder, brighter world than the harsh one he grew up in that took such a toll on his father, and how tragedy and deceit destroys that vision and replaces it with the oppressive, megalomaniacal rule of Dr. Wily. And what is most surprising is that it basically works on every level. The character of Dr. Light, with his deep, gravelly voice, is a tragic figure as he sees the future he envisioned slipping away. In contrast, Dr. Wily acts with Mephistophelesian cunning, drawing in his partner and conspiring to turn his dream into his own dystopic wonderland. Yet even he isn't without humanity: in "The Hounds", as he watches as his old friend is hunted by the police after Wily frames him for the death of his beloved Emily, he pauses to consider the outcome: "If there was a time/if there was a chance/to undo things I've done/and wash these bloodstains from my hands/it's past and been forgotten."
The character dynamics carry the album; many of the songs function as conversations or arguments between two or more characters. The most interesting of these is in "The Good Doctor", where Dr. Wily tempts Dr. Light into using his machines not just to better society, but to elevate the two of them to being the new gods of the world: "We've spent our whole lives searching for a way to make a better world/Giving everything to them, asking nothing in return/Well here it is, a chance to take back everything we've earned." The relationship between the two of them is surprisingly compelling, even more so given that their source material are a pair of quite literally two dimensional characters.
Act I was about what it means to be a hero, but in Act II, the two protagonists struggle with the trials of just being human. Dr. Light is wracked with guilt and regret for how his actions not only upset the world and the one person he wished to save, seen best in title track, "The Father of Death": "What have I done?/Though I did not pull the trigger, I built the gun that he holds in his hand." In the second half of the album, the street punk Joe is introduced, who finds himself set against the stagnation and fear that has overtaken the city under Wily. His song, "Breaking Out" was released as a demo, and is one of the musical and emotional cores of Act II: "We're given only what we need/only the chance to survive/And even then it's a coin toss/a roll of the dice." The Protomen took a leap of faith in approaching this much more universal theme, and manage to strike a home run on all fronts.
Musically too, Act II shows progress. Going back to the pretensious nonsense at the beginning, if Act I was Tommy, then Act II is Quadrophenia. What's most impressive is the variety of styles that they exhibit. Act I was largely a work of melodic metal, especially in "The Will of One" and "Sons of Fate." But Act II shows much more freedom and experimentation. "The Father of Death" is an acoustic spanish guitar ballad punctuated by Morricone-esque horn stings, which is immediately followed by "The Hounds", which has a driving drum, horn and guitar line sounding like a sinister Stray Cats. And the centerpiece of the entire album, "Breaking Out", strikes a chord of anthemic Americana brought about by thumping Springsteen piano rythym and singer Raul Panther's deep throated Boss voice. Those three alone justify the purchase of the album.
Act II isn't faultless though. Largest among them is that without the notes provided by the CD booklet, the story as told by the songs has some holes in it. The reason for this is that there are three songs without lyrics-- "Intermission", "How the World Fell Under Darkness" and "The Fall"-- that signify important progress in the story, but which can't be properly relayed simply through musical motif. That alone is reason to pick up the album over simply downloading the MP3s, although the story can also be found online for the curious. The other glaring problem is that of the singer codenamed "the Gambler" who voices the character of Emily Stanton. While the voices for Light, Wily and Joe are sung all out with full emotion, her lyrics seem lifeless and fall flat, which is a shame since she is present both in "The Father of Death" and the concluding track, "Here Comes the Arm." They aren't so bad as to torpedo said songs, but she is the weakest part of the album.
Those are fairly insignificant faults in an otherwise incredible performance. It's likely that some critics will ask why the band insist on adhering to this source material, implying that it's somehow holding them back from real achievement. But it's easy to see from Act II that this is story that the Protomen are deeply invested in, and even from Act I have made it very much their own."
The other day I was talking to my brother, and he was telling me how in one of his classes, his professor was discussing how people's minds could be "shocked" into remembering certain things. We tend to store a lot of information in our heads, but we don't always readily have access to that information. We can be given details concerning a particular event that we can't remember, and our memories are suddenly "jolted" into remembering. What this professor was saying was that our minds could similarly be reminded of parts of our lives that we've never been able to remember, like our early childhoods or even our time of birth.
Now here's what I found interesting. When the professor brought this up, my brother thought that his time of birth would probably feel very disorienting and dirty, what with all the bodily fluids and whatnot. I thought exactly the same thing.
However, one girl in the class spoke up and said something along the lines of this, "I think it would be interesting to know what experiencing life for the first time would be like."
My brother told me that when she said that, it completely changed his perspective on the whole situation, and I'd have to agree.
That's a really powerful statement. Experiencing life for the first time... I really cannot fathom what that could be like.
I started to think about the whole thing, and I started to wonder why it is that we can't remember that far back into our lives. I came up with the idea that our memories are founded off of our emotions, and at such a young age, we don't have any knowledge of emotions to formulate memories. Sure, babies cry, and you could attribute that response to some kind of emotion, but at such an early age, crying is only a reflex, so that argument doesn't really hold any water.
So that would imply that emotions are learned, which would bring up the whole nature vs. nurture dilemma. Hmm... if that were the case, I think it could be said that at such an early age, we do have instinctive emotions, but since we don't lack the means to define them at that time, we don't retain the memories.
Arg, I don't know about any of this really. Memories might not be tied to emotions at all, it's just a thought that I had. Hmm, I wonder why I decided to write about this in the first place. I guess part of me is really curious as to what experiencing life for the first time would feel like, and I'm trying to project what that feeling could be on one of the emotions I am familiar with. In reality, it might be based off an emotion that I'm not familiar with... something that I would have only experienced that one time.
Hmm, very interesting. It's sort of like that emotion I described in my post where I talked about the best day of my life. I might not have a name for it, but I know it exists.
Well, I think I'm going to end here for now. I might come back and add more to this, but probably not. I doubt I'll ever experience anything that I could attribute to this 'elusive' emotion, and even if I do find something, I have no way of knowing if that's the same emotion I would have felt at the beginning of life.
I'm okay with that, I suppose. Sometimes wondering about life's intricacies makes it more enjoyable. I don't need to know everything, and if I did, things would get boring pretty fast.
This semester has been stressful for me so far, but not because of classes. I'm stressed because it's time for me to start looking for internships for the summer, which will have a direct impact on me getting a job after I graduate. The stakes are high, to say the least, and I've been in a worrisome state for the past week or so.
Today however, my mentality changed.
I ended up going to a program meant to train people in how to prepare for a job fair, and after the program was over, I found that I had an exuberant amount of confidence. Actually, the level of confidence I presently hold, borderlines on uncanny.
This actually doesn't surprise me, as similar things have happened before. I don't know how to explain it exactly, but it's like my mind always rises to the occasion whenever I'm presented with a big dilemma in regards to performance. Right now, nothing can impede me on my overall goal; I feel insurmountable. It feels amazing to be honest with you. Have you ever felt like you were larger than life?
Another time this happened to me was back in High School. It was time to take the SATs, and that year was the first year that they decided to implement a writing section into the test. I remember thinking at that time, before I took the test, that I was going to fucking demolish that essay, regardless of what the topic was. I could just feel it inside me, the boundless potential to succeed. No matter what that test threw at me, I was going to scoff at it. And that's exactly what happened. I aced that essay, easily. No big D.
So I think I already figured out why I have these bouts of incredible confidence. I psych myself up. Whenever I'm presented with a large feat, failure no longer becomes an option, it's eliminated from my vocabulary, and it becomes entirely non-existent. It's as if I can do no wrong. Without the presence of failure in the back of my mind, I can't actually fail. Everything becomes a cake walk.
What I find interesting, is that when I use the F-word in my thoughts, it amplifies my confidence a lot. This is peculiar to me, because I don't like dropping the F-bomb left and right. I usually find it unnecessarily vulgar and immature, and while I do end up using it in my everyday speech, in reality, I never feel like I need to use it, and I don't honestly like it. Regardless of that however, it is quite the powerful word.
I find that when I use it in my thoughts, it just pumps me up. Today, for example, upon leaving the job fair training program, I said in my head, "I'm going to fucking own the job fair."
And I will.
What psyches you up?
The catch is that you can't use the typical answer that your friends psych you up. How do you psych yourself up?
Stay frosty.
P.S. Kudos for anyone who gets the reference in the title of the post.
So in my last post, I mentioned a discussion I had with a lot of my friends way back in the day. I didn't mention what that conversation was actually about, so I decided that I'm going to fill you all in (figuratively speaking, of course).
In our "pow wow" my friends and I all decided that it would be good for ourselves if we expressed what we didn't like about each other. A good idea in my opinion and a great learning experience. Most of the time you never know what other people don't like about you, because if they're your friend, they'd never want to tell you and end up hurting your feelings. So what that means is that when your friends do tell you what they don't like about you, its a great opportunity to grow as an individual.
I think the idea for the whole thing came to me when my friend and I were at the mall discussing a problem that one of my other friends had that he probably didn't realize. I remember thinking that someone should probably let him know, because he most likely wasn't aware of his problem, and that's when the idea hit me. (For the record, I don't bad mouth my friends behind their backs)
Fantastic.
However, there was a problem with our conversation that night - nobody could come up with anything that they didn't like about me.
Seriously?
There is no chance that I am a perfect human being. This turn of events actually disappointed me greatly. So now I am going to turn this question to all of you:
Okay, so the other day I was at lunch with two of my friends, nothing special, just the same old story, same old song and dance. We were conversing about whatever came to mind, and my one friend told me that when I tell stories, I have great delivery. He said to me that he loves it every time I have something to say.
That's a pretty neat compliment. If I remember correctly, he told me to use that ability, because not many people have that.
Well I got to thinking, and I remembered a conversation I had with one of my other friends back in High School. I was among a group of friends, and we were having a "pow wow" as my one friend so adequately put it. Some pretty interesting topics came up during that conversation, and one of my friends actually told me that he thought my life was fascinating.
Fascinating! That's an awfully powerful word if you ask me. Think about what fascinates you. How many things can you even think of that legitimately fascinate you? Not many I bet. I, personally, can't think of a single thing at the moment. I mean sure, I can say that redheads fascinate me, and that video games fascinate me, but do I really mean that? I think it would be more accurate to say that those things interest me, rather than fascinate me.
Fascination is an overused word which has lost it's overall meaning, in my opinion. It's just like "awesome"; How often does something fill you with awe? Not often, yet we use that word all the time, and so it has lost it's meaning. I feel the same way about fascinate. Let's grab a definition:
fas⋅ci⋅nate
–verb (used with object)
1.
to attract and hold attentively by a unique power, personal charm, unusual nature, or some other special quality; enthrall: a vivacity that fascinated the audience.
Back when my friend said that my life was fascinating, I kind of just scoffed at it. How on Earth could my life be fascinating? I never considered myself to be particularly interesting, to be perfectly honest. Nobody had ever said anything like that to me before, and I'm still not sure if I could consider my life to be fascinating, but now I have two people who are interested in my life and what I have to say - and those are only the people that I know of.
Am I really that interesting? Well if you read my blog, I guess you find me interesting, otherwise you wouldn't keep reading, right?
Well, maybe it has more to do with what my first friend said, about how I have great delivery with my stories. Maybe all it is, is the way I talk about my life. I speak in a way that others find appealing, and so they become enthralled and want to hear more. I guess that could be an accurate depiction.
Hmm... maybe the way you tell a story is more important than the story itself. I can see how that would be possible. You could have done something really cool, but if you're not passionate/involved in how you tell it, then some people probably wont be interested.
So then that would mean that all the people who live interesting lives, might not actually be that interesting, but they tell their stories in such a way that others are compelled to listen. The opposite could be true as well - Someone could be a very uninteresting person, but they could have experienced some of the coolest things in life.
Well, while that is all very plausible, I also believe that the people who are good at telling their stories are probably good at it for a reason. If you live an interesting life, it has probably forged you into the interesting person you are today. Did that make sense?
What I'm basically saying is that the people who are deemed to be interesting/fascinating probably have legitimate reasons for receiving that praise.
So then does that really mean that I'm fascinating? I'm just an ordinary guy in my book. I can't think of anything particularly special about me other than that I'm not afraid to think and feel. I can be charismatic at times, but not all the time. I don't get it =\
Maybe I'm better off not knowing why people find me interesting. If I did know, it might make me try too hard to get people interested in me, a quality that I wouldn't like to add to my repituar. Besides, I'm not one to try and impress people. If you're impressed with me, that's your decision to make, because I'm not going out of my way to impress anyone. I am what I am, and you can take it or leave it.
I've always preferred to let people create their own opinions of me, rather than have me try and tell you what I'm like. I act differently around different people, so technically, everyone experiences a different Matt. Wow, there's a thought. I guess I'm the only one who knows what I'm really like, and everyone else sees one of my many hats.
I like that. I like it a lot.
I guess that would make me chaotic in the sense that my personality is random. If I'm meeting a person for the first time, I don't know how I'm going to act towards you, because I act differently around different people. How very intriguing.
I'm going to ponder on this some more...
How do you honestly see me?
Don't sugar coat anything. I want the brutal, honest truth.
I don't know if any of you have noticed, but lately I've been asking a bunch of people if they want to have deep conversations with me. I've mostly been using Facebook and AIM as an outlet to get these conversations going, and when I do this, I usually broadcast the following phrase: Let's talk.
I find that if I take the initiative to start a conversation, people are more willing to talk to you about whatever they want. It's as if I'm almost saying to them, "hey, why don't you tell me what you want, no pressure."
Actually I don't know why I'm bringing this up, it's not what I actually wanted to talk about, it's more of a side thought. Hmm...
Okay, well anyways, what I did want to talk about does have to do with my deep conversations. I've found that having conversations on an intimate level helps me open up. It lets me explore myself and gain access to areas of my mind that have always been blocked off with caution tape. After these conversations, I feel refreshed... well, most of the time. A lot of the time I just end up confused, but I still feel better about myself knowing that I tried to learn something new about myself, so it's not all for naught.
Having these deep conversations helps me in the same way that this blog helps me, actually. The blog came first, as my original outlet, but essentially, all it is is me talking to myself. At a certain point I crave dialogue. I mean, I can only put so much out there before I start to wonder if maybe there's something I'm overlooking. I need an extra mind to help me figure things out sometimes. I think that's why I started asking for so many deep conversations recently; I just desire that human to human interaction. Don't get me wrong, this blog is great, and I feel fantastic whenever I splurge my thoughts on here, but I don't know who is actually reading any of this. The other day I found out that this person reads my blog, who I wouldn't have ever assumed would have read it. People don't leave me comments on here (I don't even know how to leave them really), and only a handful of people actually contact me after I write a blog post. One of the reasons why I try to post questions at the end of each of these is because I want people to talk to me and tell me what they think, but that format tends to not be so intimate... Which is where the deep convos come from.
So if you recall, I posted one of my conversations a few posts back. That was probably the most profound out of the bunch that I've had so far. It was pretty spontaneous, and I found that once I started, I just kept going. I only needed an initial spark to just go off and burn a whole canvas of ideas. None of my conversations are planned, and as a result, sometimes they just come out as less profound. It's weird because before I put out my broadcast, I can already tell how profound or prolific the resulting conversation is going to be - it all depends on how deep a mood I'm in. Like right now, on a scale of 1 to 5 on how deep I feel, with 5 being the highest, I'm at about a 3. For the convo that I posted on here, I was at a 5. For all the others, I was at about a 1 or 2. Is it weird that I'm creating a scale for this?
Actually, I had this thought, that whenever I put up my "let's talk" bulletins, I would also disclose how deep I was feeling at that moment, like the aforementioned scale. So I could be like:
"Hey guys, I'm feeling a level 4 deep convo coming on. Let's talk."
That way, people would know what they're getting into before they actually jump in. Another reason why I would do this - To spark interest. Like, as of right now, I've had my usual message up for 3.5 hours, and I've gotten no bites. I feel like people might be getting the impression that I'm starting to do this so much that they just don't care so much; like they're saying to themselves "Oh, there goes Matt again asking for deep convos" *shrug*.
If I rate how deep I'm feeling, then when I rank them higher, people would theoretically be more interested. But then at the same time, everyone is more likely to ignore me when I put a 1 or a 2. Hmm... I don't know what to do really. I want to keep these things going because of how great they make me feel, but I also don't think a lot of people want to dedicate the time to them if they aren't going to be profoundly profound. I guess I should just forget the whole scale idea and just keep doing it the way that I'm doing it, because then I wouldn't be provoking anything, which I guess is how it should be...
Arg, I don't know really, but I'm starting to get a little frustrated with myself. I guess I'm a little frustrated with people as a whole as well... I just wish people were more open about talking. It's so easy... or is it? I've only been doing these deep convos online so far, and although I've had them in person in the past, I think I've forgotten what it's like. I'm actually a bit nervous/afraid of doing that again. I'm afraid of what I might divulge - I can be pretty open about things, and I have no idea what my mind is capable of. That makes me nervous, but I feel like it has to be done.
Anyways, I'm just rambling now, so I think I should close up.
What do you like to do that helps you open up more? Do you even like to open up to others?
P.S. If you read my blog, please don't be afraid to talk to me. I'd like to know who dedicates the time to read these things since they can be pretty long and time consuming. I really do appreciate all of my readers... I just don't know who they are.
Okay, so if you read my last post or my facebook, you'll see a conversation that I had with a friend of mine. In that conversation I mentioned a person named Ian Crossland, who makes videos on youtube. After watching some of his videos, I got into a really deep mood and that's what initially sparked the conversation in the previous post.
If you haven't done so already, I would recommend watching some of Ian's videos on youtube. I don't have any specific videos that stand out, I would merely just suggest going to his channel and finding videos on topics that might be of interest to you.
Now I need to point out that I don't agree with everything that Ian says. In fact, I find that a lot of the things he talks about are disagreeable, or things that I already knew. However, what made his videos impact me so much, was seeing him think. In his videos, you can see how his mind works because he exposes himself when he speaks.
You see, normally when we think, we do it all in our heads. We don't speak outwardly of exactly what is going through our heads or the emotions that we are feeling at that exact moment; but Ian does, and that's what got me thinking. If you look back to my conversation, you might be able to tell at some points that I was trying to express myself in the same way as Ian - and it was helping me onto a plane of thought that I usually don't get to, and not only was it gratifying, it was frightening.
From now on, I'm going to try and do this whenever I'm writing a blog entry.
Now, onto what I actually wanted to talk to you all about. I've been having this one particular thought for some time now, but I've been hesitant to write about it, and that's because this thought terrifies me. I feel like if I manifest this thought, it could change me forever, and I can't say for sure if it'll be for better or worse. I have purposely been avoiding it because of this. At this very moment, I still don't want to dive into what I'm about to, I don't think I'm ready, but from what I've learned from Ian Crossland so far, I'm going to do this anyway.
Okay, many people that know me know that I don't like sheep. I don't like mindless followers. I think that they are the cause of so many of our world's problems. Think about it. Think of powerful leaders throughout history and how they've been able to rally people to their cause. Think of Hitler. I believe that the cause for the holocaust wasn't necessarily because of Hitler himself, but because of the people who followed him. His followers were sheep - mindless drones who would march to the beat of anyone more intelligent than themselves. There's no doubt about it that Hitler was an immensely intelligent man, but what if every one of the people who followed him were just as intelligent as he was? Would they have just dismissed what he said as gibberish? They probably would not be so inclined to ever follow him, let alone give him a voice in the first place.
It's because of this that I don't like sheep. They are destructive beyond my own comprehension, and I vehemently refuse to become one of them. I always try to be a leader to avoid being a sheep. I always try to choose the path that will keep me away from puppet strings.
But here's the problem: I think that I am possibly a hypocrite. I think I could be one of them, and it terrifies me. Sure, I am a leader on some level, but there are more intelligent people than me out there, and I am prone to follow them. I'll give Obama as an example: there's no doubt he's a very intelligent man, and I have put my trust in him to guide this country; the problem however, is that I don't know much about politics at all, so I don't have my own opinion to begin with. I am essentially trusting a man on subject matters that I don't know anything about. In my opinion, that is the same thing as signing a contract that you did not read. Why do I trust this man? Because he knows more about a particular subject than I do, and that effectively makes me a sheep.
Another example: when I was in Italy during the month of July, for certain occasions we had to attend, I didn't know what to wear, so I asked my roommates what they were going to wear, and then I would dress up accordingly, so that nobody was over or underdressed. The problem is that I let my roommates make the decisions for me. I effectively discarded my choice, and chose to follow. If I had told them first what I was planning on wearing and then asked them what they thought, that would have been different, but I didn't. I never gave my own input, I merely followed.
This absolutely terrifies me. In school I enjoy working in groups to get the job done, but a lot of the time I don't feel inclined to offer my help to particular tasks. I think in my head "I should volunteer to help with this particular part of the assignment" but I don't. I wait. I wait for someone else to volunteer. I still do my assigned work, but to a degree, I coast off the other members of the group.
Now I know I'm opinionated, and I won't believe everything I'm told, but how far does that go? At what point do I start to follow others? When do I decide that I would be better off letting someone else make a decision for me?
Saying all of this isn't making me feel better at all. I'm getting it out in the open, but I don't have an answer. I don't have a follow up thought. I could say that instead of following, I just work better when there are others to help me with the duties at hand, which wouldn't necessarily make me a sheep - but I feel like that's an excuse. A lie.
The problem for me here isn't how I can admit to something and then change myself. The problem is that I feel like I've been a hypocrite for so long, and it disgusts me to know myself to be something like that. I've always held a high opinion of myself, but part of me feels like that was all a facade, a cover to protect myself from what I really am. I know some people will tell me that there's no point in dwelling on this, and that I should just move on and change myself if I really feel like I've been fucked up for so long, but I don't agree. There is a point to dwelling on things. Why should I just forget about my unattractive past? That would just be another facade for my future self - a part of my past that I can't admit to - a shield that I created to protect myself. Why should I have to protect myself from myself? By dwelling on this undesirable past, maybe I can come to terms with it. I can accept it as part of the learning process. I can admit that it was something I didn't like about myself... but I'm afraid. I'm afraid of others who would judge me because of my past.
Just because you could be a reformed child molester doesn't mean that someone won't stare at you with fearful eyes.
I am afraid I may have permanently scarred myself because of my past tendencies. I am afraid that people won't accept me. I have come to terms with something else about me, and that's being shallow, and even though I don't like it about myself, and I've come to terms with it, people still look/think of me differently because of it. That depresses me. It makes me nervous whenever it comes up in a conversation. I don't know if I will be accepted or not. It's all because people are judgmental. I try not to judge as much as possible, I know it's wrong, but I know there will always be people who judge. I can't even just not care what judgmental people think - I still want people to like me, and so being judged becomes necessary.
I know that most people probably would not judge me on this whole "being a sheep" matter, but that doesn't matter since I'm judging myself. In this case, I don't even like myself, and that's what I was afraid to admit. I don't know how I should figure this out. Should I realize that people shouldn't judge, and that includes me judging myself? Or should I convince myself that I am a better person? There's a fine line there and I don't know which side to step on.
My head is fried, and to a degree I feel broken now. I need to have another deep conversation. I need to make more friends and see what strangers think of me.
Anonymous (11:33:44 PM):matthew Matty P (11:33:50 PM):heya Anonymous (11:33:57 PM):whats up Anonymous (11:34:00 PM):read your facebook status Matty P (11:34:52 PM):have something to say? Anonymous (11:35:06 PM):and i was just ranting to someone how i never have deep convos with anyone and it makes me feel incredibly lonely Matty P (11:35:27 PM):well why would the lack of such a conversation make you feel lonely? Matty P (11:35:28 PM):see, to me Matty P (11:35:38 PM):it just feels like I'm becomming out of tune with myself Matty P (11:35:45 PM):like I'm missing something Anonymous (11:35:52 PM):like i guess i kind of feel that Matty P (11:36:06 PM):but what is missing isnt the attention of someone else Matty P (11:36:10 PM):its just something inside me Anonymous (11:36:10 PM):its like i miss having an intense moment with someone while engaging in said conversation Matty P (11:36:21 PM):something that hasn't been manifested in a while and needs air to breathe Matty P (11:36:32 PM):yea, i get what you mean totally right now Anonymous (11:36:40 PM):yeah Matty P (11:38:12 PM):like, i've been watching these video logs that this guy named Ian Crossland hasbeen posting on youtube Matty P (11:38:24 PM):and he's this guy who just questions everythinga Matty P (11:38:36 PM):and he's infatuated with humanity as a whole Matty P (11:38:58 PM):and he just points out these little things that even though you think about them Matty P (11:39:03 PM):you just never admit to them Matty P (11:39:07 PM):and I just asked myself Anonymous (11:39:09 PM):that sounds really interesting Matty P (11:39:29 PM):like fuck, he's absolutely right, and even though I already knew it, I'd never come out and say it Matty P (11:39:36 PM):and he's got the guts to say it Matty P (11:39:46 PM):and i feel like most people would call him just a stoner Matty P (11:39:52 PM):and even though he does smoke weed Matty P (11:40:01 PM):he's aware he doesnt need it Matty P (11:40:06 PM):he's just like Matty P (11:40:12 PM):cognizant of all this shit around him Matty P (11:40:26 PM):and his thought process is just Matty P (11:40:30 PM):great Matty P (11:40:31 PM):and idk Matty P (11:40:42 PM):after watching his vids, I just started thinking Matty P (11:40:49 PM):and I feel like im on the verge of something big Matty P (11:40:55 PM):like a huge self discovery Matty P (11:41:08 PM):it's like I'm aware that my own evolution is about to take place Matty P (11:41:16 PM):but i realized that it won't unless i act on it Matty P (11:41:31 PM):and that's where the desire to have a deep convo manifests from Matty P (11:41:33 PM):shit Matty P (11:41:50 PM):i am into this right now Anonymous (11:41:51 PM):that explanation in itself is extemley deep lol Anonymous (11:41:57 PM):llmao yeah u def. are Matty P (11:41:59 PM):i'm telling ya Matty P (11:42:05 PM):its just Matty P (11:42:06 PM):wow Matty P (11:42:10 PM):i can feel it Anonymous (11:42:18 PM):that must be such a profound feeling Anonymous (11:42:24 PM):to feel aware of yourself but not at the same time Anonymous (11:42:33 PM):itss like Anonymous (11:42:43 PM):u no who you are as a person right at this very moment Anonymous (11:42:50 PM):but you know just around the corner Anonymous (11:42:52 PM):your essence Anonymous (11:42:54 PM):will Anonymous (11:42:55 PM):change Anonymous (11:43:00 PM):am i totally off Anonymous (11:43:03 PM):cuz im kinda stoned Matty P (11:43:08 PM):no, you're exactly right Matty P (11:43:11 PM):but the thing is Matty P (11:43:19 PM):i dont know what kind of evolution this is going to be Anonymous (11:43:25 PM):positive Matty P (11:43:35 PM):is it going to be self assuring, or self decaying Matty P (11:43:47 PM):i cant tell for sure if it'll be positive or negative Matty P (11:43:53 PM):but i still desire the change so much Matty P (11:44:03 PM):like the change itself is a necessity to grow Matty P (11:44:09 PM):even if overall i take a negative turn Anonymous (11:44:59 PM):like for all we know life is just a series of really intesne changes in us. Matty P (11:45:37 PM):have you ever thought that that might be all our emotions are? Just change Matty P (11:45:57 PM):like love, that emotion could be drawn up just from the simple fact that something in our lives changed Matty P (11:46:06 PM):not because of feelings directed towards an individual Matty P (11:46:22 PM):but because we enjoyed a change in our lifestyle so much, that we fell in love Matty P (11:46:31 PM):same goes for anger Anonymous (11:46:35 PM):and heartbreak Matty P (11:46:38 PM):yea Matty P (11:47:15 PM):if you break up, its not the fact that that person meant something to you, you could feel horrible just because your life changed for the worse Anonymous (11:47:48 PM):well if thats the case that would certainly make me feel better seeing as how i just went through a huge breakup/betrayal Anonymous (11:48:02 PM):and i just kept crying and saying "i dont know what to do with out you or where to go" Anonymous (11:48:17 PM):cuz i was experencing such a life shattering change when my emotional support of 4 years walked out of my life Anonymous (11:48:18 PM):you know Matty P (11:48:23 PM):yea Anonymous (11:48:28 PM):i all of a sudden started feeling this instense love for him Anonymous (11:48:30 PM):but maybe it wasnt that Anonymous (11:48:33 PM):i love him Matty P (11:48:36 PM):so then the question is, what is it about change that makes it so important to us Anonymous (11:48:58 PM):why do we expereince such ups and downs and hardship and questioning Anonymous (11:49:01 PM):when change occurs Matty P (11:49:22 PM):shit Anonymous (11:49:52 PM):i know Matty P (11:50:01 PM):why is change so influential on us Matty P (11:50:46 PM):but if change were so important for our daily lives Anonymous (11:50:47 PM):thats something i think ive been asking subconsiously for so long Matty P (11:50:54 PM):like, lets go back to the love subject Anonymous (11:50:57 PM):okay Matty P (11:51:05 PM):some people fall in love, but they still cheat, right Anonymous (11:51:08 PM):right Matty P (11:51:43 PM):it could be because their initial change in lifestyle wasn't significant enough to keep them faithful enough to their initial change, so they desired and sought out additional change Matty P (11:52:11 PM):but then why do some people feel guilty when they cheat? Anonymous (11:52:30 PM):because they know the social consequences Matty P (11:52:53 PM):they anticipate the changes that will occur in the future.... Matty P (11:52:57 PM):that could be it Anonymous (11:53:05 PM):which they know will disrupt their emotions Matty P (11:53:40 PM):or it could also be that they still feel obligations towards the initial change since they made them so happy at first, and the change itself becomes sortof an individual Matty P (11:54:08 PM):the actual people of the story become irrelevant, the change becomes embodied, and is the individual Anonymous (11:54:16 PM):wow Matty P (11:55:25 PM):I dont know how i feel about this Anonymous (11:55:28 PM):me either Matty P (11:55:28 PM):i feel nervous Matty P (11:55:36 PM):not afraid, but nervous Matty P (11:56:02 PM):like I'm nervous to learn what other people would think of this Matty P (11:56:15 PM):if they noticed something about the human condition that I vastly overlooked Matty P (11:56:32 PM):I'm so wound up in this right now that I could be dismissing something huge Matty P (11:56:37 PM):maybe I am afraid of that? Anonymous (11:56:46 PM):cuz its a change in your thought process? Matty P (11:56:48 PM):like what if I'm missing the key to the whole argument Matty P (11:56:57 PM):what if it's not change at all Matty P (11:57:12 PM):what if there's an argument that exists that completely dismisses mine? Matty P (11:57:32 PM):in that case I haven't stepped forward without stepping backwards as well Matty P (11:57:38 PM):does that make everything meaningless? Anonymous (11:57:43 PM):well no i dont think so Anonymous (11:58:01 PM):i think you can argue that progress can not be obtained with moving back a little first Anonymous (11:58:06 PM):you need to think Anonymous (11:58:11 PM):positive Anonymous (11:58:28 PM):ugh that sounded way too cliche and did not come out howwanted it to Matty P (11:58:47 PM):I think i want to discard the notions of positive, negative and neutral Matty P (11:58:51 PM):what if those didn't exist Anonymous (11:58:54 PM):like you just havve to believe in the good of the universe that your not failing and life isnt meaningless Matty P (11:59:00 PM):it's all relative anyways Anonymous (11:59:03 PM):okay Anonymous (11:59:11 PM):maybe we can keep instead meaning and no meaning Matty P (11:59:16 PM):some people consider some things to be good, while others would think it was bad Matty P (12:00:05 AM):Maybe I am afraid of this evolution Matty P (12:00:13 AM):but why have my feelings changed already Matty P (12:00:21 AM):before i was optimistic, now im nervous about it Matty P (12:00:27 AM):i dont know how this will end anymore Matty P (12:00:34 AM):actually, i never did know Anonymous (12:00:37 AM):how what will exactly Anonymous (12:00:38 AM):your life? Matty P (12:00:44 AM):i just assumed i knew the outcome ahead of time Matty P (12:01:03 AM):me as an individual Matty P (12:01:05 AM):the way I think Anonymous (12:01:09 AM):ok got you Anonymous (12:01:23 AM):does it come back to Anonymous (12:01:34 AM):your afraid of this, lets call it "change" Anonymous (12:02:39 AM):will change you to "good" or "bad". are you still subconsiously afraid of social consequences and repercussions. or is it that deep down weve all been taught being a "good person" or "bad person" and your just nervous that you wont turn into a person either you your family or the world will like Matty P (12:03:25 AM):well, the social consequences themselves are future changes Matty P (12:03:32 AM):it wouldnt be the repercussions themselves Matty P (12:03:35 AM):just the changes Matty P (12:03:40 AM):but then i also just thought Matty P (12:04:19 AM):whether or not the changes are good or bad are also relative to the individual Anonymous (12:04:26 AM):explain Matty P (12:04:28 AM):like Matty P (12:04:47 AM):we look forward to getting into relationships because its a change for the better right? Anonymous (12:05:29 AM):rightg Anonymous (12:05:32 AM):-right Matty P (12:05:42 AM):well, who decides that it actually is a change for the better? Matty P (12:05:44 AM):We do. Matty P (12:05:58 AM):so that makes it relative Matty P (12:06:33 AM):but then how do we come up with the notions of good and bad in the first place? It has to come from societal norms and biological predispositions Anonymous (12:06:44 AM):or government and religon Anonymous (12:06:50 AM):defining it for us Matty P (12:06:53 AM):i think that all falls under society Anonymous (12:06:58 AM):yes Matty P (12:07:06 AM):the gov and religion are just manifestations of society Anonymous (12:07:25 AM):i feel society plays an extremly influential role in this Matty P (12:07:42 AM):yea, because the biological predispositions are Matty P (12:07:43 AM):well Matty P (12:07:52 AM):I feel like humans are naturally inclined to do good Anonymous (12:07:56 AM):me too Matty P (12:08:07 AM):it's just philosophical, and there's evidence both for and against that notion Matty P (12:08:24 AM):but I feel like the evidence for that argument outweighs the evidence against it Matty P (12:08:31 AM):so then yea, societal norms Matty P (12:08:49 AM):where did society get their views from? Matty P (12:08:55 AM):it had to stem from somewhere Matty P (12:09:12 AM):maybe it stemmed from the nature aspect Matty P (12:09:15 AM):i mean Matty P (12:09:29 AM):why was the gov initially created? Matty P (12:09:37 AM):to benefit society Matty P (12:09:44 AM):why was religion created? Matty P (12:09:52 AM):to comfort society Matty P (12:10:06 AM):everything was created out of the need to do good to others Matty P (12:10:19 AM):and i suppose over time it just warped Matty P (12:10:28 AM):and that's why we have corrupt governments today Matty P (12:10:34 AM):and fanatical religions Matty P (12:10:46 AM):but then that makes for an extremely dangerous situation Matty P (12:11:01 AM):because even though these institutions were founded with benevolent intentions Matty P (12:11:20 AM):over time the institutions themselves became organic and slowly changed Matty P (12:11:24 AM):and in some cases for the worst Matty P (12:11:28 AM):worse* Matty P (12:11:29 AM):but Matty P (12:11:47 AM):we still base our notions of good and bad off of what these institutions decide Matty P (12:11:52 AM):because they are the social norm Matty P (12:12:05 AM):fuck Matty P (12:12:09 AM):its like we're all sheep Matty P (12:12:22 AM):almost helpless to help ourselves Matty P (12:12:27 AM):and nobody realizes it Anonymous (12:12:46 AM):i learned in chemistry that "nature is lazy and disorganized". nature tends to be chaotic Anonymous (12:12:52 AM):but is that true for humans? Anonymous (12:12:57 AM):is it this sense of fear of chaos Anonymous (12:13:03 AM):that causes these institutions to be created? Matty P (12:13:26 AM):where is there fear of chaos Anonymous (12:13:34 AM):maybe its man vs nature Anonymous (12:13:35 AM):haha jk Anonymous (12:13:42 AM):like nature is chaotic Anonymous (12:13:44 AM):so we in turn Anonymous (12:13:53 AM):having to learn to survive in nature Anonymous (12:14:01 AM):are fearful of its chaos? Anonymous (12:14:02 AM):idk Matty P (12:14:16 AM):hmm Matty P (12:14:44 AM):I have a thought Matty P (12:14:50 AM):but I cant seem to give it birth Anonymous (12:14:57 AM):just give it a sec Matty P (12:14:58 AM):I dont think im ready Anonymous (12:15:06 AM):to admit your thought Anonymous (12:15:07 AM):?
Matty P (12:15:09 AM):yea Anonymous (12:15:22 AM):saying isnt necessarily admitting Matty P (12:15:33 AM):I'm not ready to say it either Matty P (12:15:36 AM):I dont know how yet Matty P (12:15:42 AM):I just know it's there Anonymous (12:16:09 AM):i kinda see what your saying Matty P (12:16:21 AM):I think I need to sleep on this Anonymous (12:16:27 AM):alright Matty P (12:16:34 AM):do you mind if I posted this? Anonymous (12:16:38 AM):on what Matty P (12:16:45 AM):on either facebook or my blog Matty P (12:16:48 AM):people need to see this
I had a conversation with a friend tonight, and I thought I should share it with all of you. I'd really appreciate it if you took the time to read the whole thing and share your thoughts with me.
I feel like I'm on the verge of something big, something within myself, and I needed to get this out in the open. Expect a regular blog post soon.
Anonymous (11:33:44 PM):matthew Matty P (11:33:50 PM):heya Anonymous (11:33:57 PM):whats up Anonymous (11:34:00 PM):read your facebook status Matty P (11:34:52 PM):have something to say? Anonymous (11:35:06 PM):and i was just ranting to someone how i never have deep convos with anyone and it makes me feel incredibly lonely Matty P (11:35:27 PM):well why would the lack of such a conversation make you feel lonely? Matty P (11:35:28 PM):see, to me Matty P (11:35:38 PM):it just feels like I'm becomming out of tune with myself Matty P (11:35:45 PM):like I'm missing something Anonymous (11:35:52 PM):like i guess i kind of feel that Matty P (11:36:06 PM):but what is missing isnt the attention of someone else Matty P (11:36:10 PM):its just something inside me Anonymous (11:36:10 PM):its like i miss having an intense moment with someone while engaging in said conversation Matty P (11:36:21 PM):something that hasn't been manifested in a while and needs air to breathe Matty P (11:36:32 PM):yea, i get what you mean totally right now Anonymous (11:36:40 PM):yeah Matty P (11:38:12 PM):like, i've been watching these video logs that this guy named Ian Crossland hasbeen posting on youtube Matty P (11:38:24 PM):and he's this guy who just questions everythinga Matty P (11:38:36 PM):and he's infatuated with humanity as a whole Matty P (11:38:58 PM):and he just points out these little things that even though you think about them Matty P (11:39:03 PM):you just never admit to them Matty P (11:39:07 PM):and I just asked myself Anonymous (11:39:09 PM):that sounds really interesting Matty P (11:39:29 PM):like fuck, he's absolutely right, and even though I already knew it, I'd never come out and say it Matty P (11:39:36 PM):and he's got the guts to say it Matty P (11:39:46 PM):and i feel like most people would call him just a stoner Matty P (11:39:52 PM):and even though he does smoke weed Matty P (11:40:01 PM):he's aware he doesnt need it Matty P (11:40:06 PM):he's just like Matty P (11:40:12 PM):cognizant of all this shit around him Matty P (11:40:26 PM):and his thought process is just Matty P (11:40:30 PM):great Matty P (11:40:31 PM):and idk Matty P (11:40:42 PM):after watching his vids, I just started thinking Matty P (11:40:49 PM):and I feel like im on the verge of something big Matty P (11:40:55 PM):like a huge self discovery Matty P (11:41:08 PM):it's like I'm aware that my own evolution is about to take place Matty P (11:41:16 PM):but i realized that it won't unless i act on it Matty P (11:41:31 PM):and that's where the desire to have a deep convo manifests from Matty P (11:41:33 PM):shit Matty P (11:41:50 PM):i am into this right now Anonymous (11:41:51 PM):that explanation in itself is extemley deep lol Anonymous (11:41:57 PM):llmao yeah u def. are Matty P (11:41:59 PM):i'm telling ya Matty P (11:42:05 PM):its just Matty P (11:42:06 PM):wow Matty P (11:42:10 PM):i can feel it Anonymous (11:42:18 PM):that must be such a profound feeling Anonymous (11:42:24 PM):to feel aware of yourself but not at the same time Anonymous (11:42:33 PM):itss like Anonymous (11:42:43 PM):u no who you are as a person right at this very moment Anonymous (11:42:50 PM):but you know just around the corner Anonymous (11:42:52 PM):your essence Anonymous (11:42:54 PM):will Anonymous (11:42:55 PM):change Anonymous (11:43:00 PM):am i totally off Anonymous (11:43:03 PM):cuz im kinda stoned Matty P (11:43:08 PM):no, you're exactly right Matty P (11:43:11 PM):but the thing is Matty P (11:43:19 PM):i dont know what kind of evolution this is going to be Anonymous (11:43:25 PM):positive Matty P (11:43:35 PM):is it going to be self assuring, or self decaying Matty P (11:43:47 PM):i cant tell for sure if it'll be positive or negative Matty P (11:43:53 PM):but i still desire the change so much Matty P (11:44:03 PM):like the change itself is a necessity to grow Matty P (11:44:09 PM):even if overall i take a negative turn Anonymous (11:44:59 PM):like for all we know life is just a series of really intesne changes in us. Matty P (11:45:37 PM):have you ever thought that that might be all our emotions are? Just change Matty P (11:45:57 PM):like love, that emotion could be drawn up just from the simple fact that something in our lives changed Matty P (11:46:06 PM):not because of feelings directed towards an individual Matty P (11:46:22 PM):but because we enjoyed a change in our lifestyle so much, that we fell in love Matty P (11:46:31 PM):same goes for anger Anonymous (11:46:35 PM):and heartbreak Matty P (11:46:38 PM):yea Matty P (11:47:15 PM):if you break up, its not the fact that that person meant something to you, you could feel horrible just because your life changed for the worse Anonymous (11:47:48 PM):well if thats the case that would certainly make me feel better seeing as how i just went through a huge breakup/betrayal Anonymous (11:48:02 PM):and i just kept crying and saying "i dont know what to do with out you or where to go" Anonymous (11:48:17 PM):cuz i was experencing such a life shattering change when my emotional support of 4 years walked out of my life Anonymous (11:48:18 PM):you know Matty P (11:48:23 PM):yea Anonymous (11:48:28 PM):i all of a sudden started feeling this instense love for him Anonymous (11:48:30 PM):but maybe it wasnt that Anonymous (11:48:33 PM):i love him Matty P (11:48:36 PM):so then the question is, what is it about change that makes it so important to us Anonymous (11:48:58 PM):why do we expereince such ups and downs and hardship and questioning Anonymous (11:49:01 PM):when change occurs Matty P (11:49:22 PM):shit Anonymous (11:49:52 PM):i know Matty P (11:50:01 PM):why is change so influential on us Matty P (11:50:46 PM):but if change were so important for our daily lives Anonymous (11:50:47 PM):thats something i think ive been asking subconsiously for so long Matty P (11:50:54 PM):like, lets go back to the love subject Anonymous (11:50:57 PM):okay Matty P (11:51:05 PM):some people fall in love, but they still cheat, right Anonymous (11:51:08 PM):right Matty P (11:51:43 PM):it could be because their initial change in lifestyle wasn't significant enough to keep them faithful enough to their initial change, so they desired and sought out additional change Matty P (11:52:11 PM):but then why do some people feel guilty when they cheat? Anonymous (11:52:30 PM):because they know the social consequences Matty P (11:52:53 PM):they anticipate the changes that will occur in the future.... Matty P (11:52:57 PM):that could be it Anonymous (11:53:05 PM):which they know will disrupt their emotions Matty P (11:53:40 PM):or it could also be that they still feel obligations towards the initial change since they made them so happy at first, and the change itself becomes sortof an individual Matty P (11:54:08 PM):the actual people of the story become irrelevant, the change becomes embodied, and is the individual Anonymous (11:54:16 PM):wow Matty P (11:55:25 PM):I dont know how i feel about this Anonymous (11:55:28 PM):me either Matty P (11:55:28 PM):i feel nervous Matty P (11:55:36 PM):not afraid, but nervous Matty P (11:56:02 PM):like I'm nervous to learn what other people would think of this Matty P (11:56:15 PM):if they noticed something about the human condition that I vastly overlooked Matty P (11:56:32 PM):I'm so wound up in this right now that I could be dismissing something huge Matty P (11:56:37 PM):maybe I am afraid of that? Anonymous (11:56:46 PM):cuz its a change in your thought process? Matty P (11:56:48 PM):like what if I'm missing the key to the whole argument Matty P (11:56:57 PM):what if it's not change at all Matty P (11:57:12 PM):what if there's an argument that exists that completely dismisses mine? Matty P (11:57:32 PM):in that case I haven't stepped forward without stepping backwards as well Matty P (11:57:38 PM):does that make everything meaningless? Anonymous (11:57:43 PM):well no i dont think so Anonymous (11:58:01 PM):i think you can argue that progress can not be obtained with moving back a little first Anonymous (11:58:06 PM):you need to think Anonymous (11:58:11 PM):positive Anonymous (11:58:28 PM):ugh that sounded way too cliche and did not come out howwanted it to Matty P (11:58:47 PM):I think i want to discard the notions of positive, negative and neutral Matty P (11:58:51 PM):what if those didn't exist Anonymous (11:58:54 PM):like you just havve to believe in the good of the universe that your not failing and life isnt meaningless Matty P (11:59:00 PM):it's all relative anyways Anonymous (11:59:03 PM):okay Anonymous (11:59:11 PM):maybe we can keep instead meaning and no meaning Matty P (11:59:16 PM):some people consider some things to be good, while others would think it was bad Matty P (12:00:05 AM):Maybe I am afraid of this evolution Matty P (12:00:13 AM):but why have my feelings changed already Matty P (12:00:21 AM):before i was optimistic, now im nervous about it Matty P (12:00:27 AM):i dont know how this will end anymore Matty P (12:00:34 AM):actually, i never did know Anonymous (12:00:37 AM):how what will exactly Anonymous (12:00:38 AM):your life? Matty P (12:00:44 AM):i just assumed i knew the outcome ahead of time Matty P (12:01:03 AM):me as an individual Matty P (12:01:05 AM):the way I think Anonymous (12:01:09 AM):ok got you Anonymous (12:01:23 AM):does it come back to Anonymous (12:01:34 AM):your afraid of this, lets call it "change" Anonymous (12:02:39 AM):will change you to "good" or "bad". are you still subconsiously afraid of social consequences and repercussions. or is it that deep down weve all been taught being a "good person" or "bad person" and your just nervous that you wont turn into a person either you your family or the world will like Matty P (12:03:25 AM):well, the social consequences themselves are future changes Matty P (12:03:32 AM):it wouldnt be the repercussions themselves Matty P (12:03:35 AM):just the changes Matty P (12:03:40 AM):but then i also just thought Matty P (12:04:19 AM):whether or not the changes are good or bad are also relative to the individual Anonymous (12:04:26 AM):explain Matty P (12:04:28 AM):like Matty P (12:04:47 AM):we look forward to getting into relationships because its a change for the better right? Anonymous (12:05:29 AM):rightg Anonymous (12:05:32 AM):-right Matty P (12:05:42 AM):well, who decides that it actually is a change for the better? Matty P (12:05:44 AM):We do. Matty P (12:05:58 AM):so that makes it relative Matty P (12:06:33 AM):but then how do we come up with the notions of good and bad in the first place? It has to come from societal norms and biological predispositions Anonymous (12:06:44 AM):or government and religon Anonymous (12:06:50 AM):defining it for us Matty P (12:06:53 AM):i think that all falls under society Anonymous (12:06:58 AM):yes Matty P (12:07:06 AM):the gov and religion are just manifestations of society Anonymous (12:07:25 AM):i feel society plays an extremly influential role in this Matty P (12:07:42 AM):yea, because the biological predispositions are Matty P (12:07:43 AM):well Matty P (12:07:52 AM):I feel like humans are naturally inclined to do good Anonymous (12:07:56 AM):me too Matty P (12:08:07 AM):it's just philosophical, and there's evidence both for and against that notion Matty P (12:08:24 AM):but I feel like the evidence for that argument outweighs the evidence against it Matty P (12:08:31 AM):so then yea, societal norms Matty P (12:08:49 AM):where did society get their views from? Matty P (12:08:55 AM):it had to stem from somewhere Matty P (12:09:12 AM):maybe it stemmed from the nature aspect Matty P (12:09:15 AM):i mean Matty P (12:09:29 AM):why was the gov initially created? Matty P (12:09:37 AM):to benefit society Matty P (12:09:44 AM):why was religion created? Matty P (12:09:52 AM):to comfort society Matty P (12:10:06 AM):everything was created out of the need to do good to others Matty P (12:10:19 AM):and i suppose over time it just warped Matty P (12:10:28 AM):and that's why we have corrupt governments today Matty P (12:10:34 AM):and fanatical religions Matty P (12:10:46 AM):but then that makes for an extremely dangerous situation Matty P (12:11:01 AM):because even though these institutions were founded with benevolent intentions Matty P (12:11:20 AM):over time the institutions themselves became organic and slowly changed Matty P (12:11:24 AM):and in some cases for the worst Matty P (12:11:28 AM):worse* Matty P (12:11:29 AM):but Matty P (12:11:47 AM):we still base our notions of good and bad off of what these institutions decide Matty P (12:11:52 AM):because they are the social norm Matty P (12:12:05 AM):fuck Matty P (12:12:09 AM):its like we're all sheep Matty P (12:12:22 AM):almost helpless to help ourselves Matty P (12:12:27 AM):and nobody realizes it Anonymous (12:12:46 AM):i learned in chemistry that "nature is lazy and disorganized". nature tends to be chaotic Anonymous (12:12:52 AM):but is that true for humans? Anonymous (12:12:57 AM):is it this sense of fear of chaos Anonymous (12:13:03 AM):that causes these institutions to be created? Matty P (12:13:26 AM):where is there fear of chaos Anonymous (12:13:34 AM):maybe its man vs nature Anonymous (12:13:35 AM):haha jk Anonymous (12:13:42 AM):like nature is chaotic Anonymous (12:13:44 AM):so we in turn Anonymous (12:13:53 AM):having to learn to survive in nature Anonymous (12:14:01 AM):are fearful of its chaos? Anonymous (12:14:02 AM):idk Matty P (12:14:16 AM):hmm Matty P (12:14:44 AM):I have a thought Matty P (12:14:50 AM):but I cant seem to give it birth Anonymous (12:14:57 AM):just give it a sec Matty P (12:14:58 AM):I dont think im ready Anonymous (12:15:06 AM):to admit your thought Anonymous (12:15:07 AM):?
Matty P (12:15:09 AM):yea Anonymous (12:15:22 AM):saying isnt necessarily admitting Matty P (12:15:33 AM):I'm not ready to say it either Matty P (12:15:36 AM):I dont know how yet Matty P (12:15:42 AM):I just know it's there Anonymous (12:16:09 AM):i kinda see what your saying Matty P (12:16:21 AM):I think I need to sleep on this Anonymous (12:16:27 AM):alright Matty P (12:16:34 AM):do you mind if I posted this? Anonymous (12:16:38 AM):on what Matty P (12:16:45 AM):on either facebook or my blog Matty P (12:16:48 AM):people need to see this
