So the other day one of my friends told me that I seem "different" to him lately. When I asked him what he meant, he told me that I don't have the same views towards women as I used to.
I have to say that my friend is right. In terms of seeking out a relationship, I have changed a lot. I'll stop being vague and get into some detail.
About a few months ago I realized that I wasn't really interested in pursuing a relationship at the moment. I don't think this is out of the ordinary for most people, I just don't have the time to commit to a relationship. Now if that were all to the story, it wouldn't be very interesting. However, there is one aspect to my current views that I think deserves investigation: time isn't the only issue, I also find myself very dissatisfied with women when it comes to relationships at the moment.
What could have caused me to become so dissatisfied?
Of the people who know me, they know that I used to always desire relationships. I always ran "what if?" scenarios through my head with different people. However, nowadays I've pretty much been saying "no thanks" to everyone. I have only had one significant relationship in my life, and it ended on a bitter note. Could that have left a bad taste in my mouth? Quite possibly. However, it has been quite some time since that relationship ended, and I feel fully recovered. I accept what happened as part of my history, and I moved on with no regrets. Have I experimented with other women since that breakup? Yup, did that too. Could those relationships have affected me? Well, I don't think so. Although I did experiment with other women, I never reached the relationship level with them. I always became dissatisfied right before it got to that point.
So I think we found where the issue resides. I don't believe it has to do with my ex since I only found these feelings of dissatisfaction after being with other people for a little while. I think the problem has to do with the people I have been meeting recently (I am not faulting these people, I think the problem solely lies in my perceptions).
So let's draw up some details:
What exactly do I feel when I am with these people?
Good question. Well at first when we hang out, I think to the short term future, I try to vision myself with this person. If I do see some kind of compatibility, I tend to spend a little more time with this person to get to know them better. This is where things usually go awry. Shortly after spending a bit more time with these people is when I find myself becoming dissatisfied and uninterested.
But why?
Also a good question. I did some thinking and I realized that I am uninterested in people who try to impress me. Is that strange? I still find people and their attributes impressive, but when someone goes out of their way to impress me, I am uninterested. I guess this stems from how I don't like to be made to feel like I have to impress other people. Why can't everyone just mingle and get to know each other? Why do I have to go out of my way to impress you? Why can't we just get to know each other on equal terms and then make our decisions on one another? I know this is a futile argument, but sometimes I wish things would work out a little differently in the world, ya know?
So as I was saying, I don't like it when someone tries to impress me. I feel like when someone does this, they aren't showing me their true self, which is actually what I want to see. It's like researchers observing animals in their natural habitats; they want to observe how the animals act normally, without any outside influences. I feel the same way. When I hang out with someone, I want to know who they really are. If someone is trying to impress me, I have no way of knowing if this is how that person normally acts. Most of the time it seems very evident to me that these people wouldn't normally act in the way that they are. In other words, I am the outside influence.
I have to say that I could be wrong. My perceptions on this whole subject could be mangled. For all I know, this is how these people normally act, and I could be projecting this idea that they aren't who they say they are. This however, still doesn't change the fact that I don't like it when people try to impress me, and I don't think this will ever change about me. It's one of those personal tastes that just tends to stick with you. Just like how I still love Winnie the Pooh. I will never get tired of seeing that plump little bear getting himself stuck in rabbit's holes.
Oh Pooh bear, you never cease to make me laugh.
Wait, what were we talking about?
Oh right, dissatisfaction. So another thing that I noticed is that recently I do not feel like putting forth effort in relationships. I won't lie, this is pretty selfish, and I don't like this about myself. I mentioned above that I don't feel like my past relationship has anything to do with my current views. I do feel however, that my former relationship does play a role in this, so I'll have to rescind my previous statement.
In my past relationship, I was always very giving. I sacrificed a lot for the sake of keeping that companionship on its feet, and I think my current feelings can be derived from this. I won't get into details, and I could very well be wrong, but I feel like I put more into that relationship than what my partner did. That's fine if they didn't do as much as I did, I don't care about that. What I think happened is that now I'm just too tired to keep it up. I put forth so much effort in that relationship that I'm just burnt out. I'm not looking for serious romance, I'm looking for companionship. My ideal relationship right now would be with a person who doesn't feel like they have to put forth any effort in making the relationship work. It would all be about simple companionship, a team effort. We would collaborate when deciding what to do. No obligations set in stone or anything.
On a side note, I think it's kind of interesting that sex is a non-issue for me right now. There are more important things to a relationship for me, and sex isn't even in my top 3 reasons. Strange? You decide.
I hope I'm not making my point foggy. I'm not saying that I don't want to put forth any effort into a relationship. In all honesty it might not be possible to have a relationship without either party adding anything to the mix. What I'm saying is instead of surprising one another with gifts and whatnot to be romantic, I find it more appealing for each party in a relationship to work together to come up with fun things to do. No surprises, just open collaboration.
I'll give two examples with valentines day:
1) Henry decides to surprise his girlfriend, Beth on valentines with flowers and then take her out to go ice skating.
2) Henry and Beth both decide to go ice skating and then out to dinner to their favorite restaurant on valentines as a fun way to spend the day.
Do you see the difference? I prefer the second example. Sure, surprises are unexpected and nice, but it is more appealing to me when both parties are open with each other and work together to find fun things to do. At the moment I guess I'm just too exhausted to keep on trying to surprise people. Being romantic isn't without its benefits, but it's stressful. If you try to be romantic all the time like I used to be, then you run out of energy (or at least I did). I don't know about you, but I like for relationships to be more relaxing than they are stressful, and I find teamwork to be more relaxing than being romantic. When you think about it, why do friendships last longer than relationships? There's probably a ton of different answers to that question - but have you ever thought that the reason might be because in a friendship, each friend collaborates with the other to find things to do rather than always surprising one another?
So back to what we were discussing before, for each of the people I've been with recently, I always got the vibe that romance was desired. I suppose that tended to make me shy away. Yea sure, I can be romantic, but if that's the initial desire I sensed from the person, I don't think that's a good thing.
So after attempting relationships with a few people, and having each situation end the same way, I generalized my views to the broader scope of women and decided that I am not interested in pursuing anyone at the moment. I realize that I shouldn't generalize these views on everyone, that isn't fair because not everyone is the same. I think it's just that finding the ideal person for me might require loads of effort that I don't presently have the time to commit. That's probably why I find myself disinterested in women at the moment.
There is however, one exception. The other day I realized that I really miss one of my friends (and I'm not naming names for those of you who know me). What I find strange is that when I try to envision compatibility with this person, I can't come up with anything. So then am I only missing them as a friend? I don't really know, but it is perplexing to me. Hmm...
So, I have a question for all of you,
Is romance necessary to maintain a relationship?
I'm not asking if romance makes you happy or not, I'm asking if you could be happy in a relationship without any romance. Think about it. Your answer will most definitely draw on your individual ideas of romance, but I'd like to hear what you think.
Until next time, stay frosty
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